BACK PAINS

My back has been killin' me last two days. Dunno why, was just fine on Sunday night. Ah well. Despite it, decicded to go bikin'. Unfortunately, was gettin' progressively darker as I went so I turned around to avoid the storm...that NEVER came. Boy, did I feel ripped off. Looked like it was gonna break any moment and nuttin'. Dumb nature. Do hafta take a look at my rear wheel, though. Feels like it's draggin' on the brake.

You know, my whole situation I feel pretty fine most of the time. Unfortunately, most TV shows deal with relationship crap and a lotta songs are love songs so hearin'/seein' those kinda stab at me. I'm dealin' a lot better'n I thought I would, but still sucks. Well, just keep myself busy all summer and hope I can do everythin' I wanna do.

Today I caught part of Son of the Mask when I got home. Man, what a giant piece of crap THAT was. I mean, I knew it'd be bad, but it was BAAAAAAD. Catwoman bad. Maybe worse. How in the hell does this crap get greenlit, let alone released?

There was also some trouble on one of my Myspace groups. Some jackass hacked into it, leavin' hundreds of nonsense threads with bullshit posts and huge images over threads he responded to. It's dicks like that why things get ruined fer everyone else. Dude's been dealt with and the admin's been slowly restoring order. Assholes. Wonder what they'd do without the anonymity of the web to hide their sorry selves.

CONCUSSIVE THOUGHTS

I realized today that I had left somethin' out of my entry fer Thurs, and when I tell ya about it you'll see why. At BBQs, hadda go to the bathroom which happened to be downstairs. So I'm goin' down at full speed watchin' fer the overhang near the end. Of course, I ended up missin' the OTHER overhang before it and ended up rammin' my head into it. Knocked me on my ass. So I forgot to add it due to a slight concussion...and now you know.

Memorial Day's gotta be one of the more quiet holidays. No decorations or nuttin', so ya completely forget about it. I know I did. So, as a result, I was off from work today. Got some things done, but not a helluva lot. Wifey came on tonight and we talked a bit before she passed out, but convo's still strained. Gonna go over some of our old convos and see if I can't figger out a way to improve our quality to our old standards again.

RECOVERY

I'm feelin' better today. Still bummed out and it feels like my tears've dried to my face, but better. Was able to basically keep my mind off things so that helped. Still wish I could win her back, though. Don't feel whole without her no more. She was my other half. Ah well, see what happens later on I guess. Maybe it is just a phase. Maybe.

Anyways, was in pain all day. Back an' hip were killin' me. But, by th' afternoon was able to move freely again. Back pretty much healed up and by tomorrow my hip should as well. Just got my feet to worry about which'll take longer since I gotta walk around. But of course, my 'rents remind me of why I wanna get th' hell out. Ma went out shoppin' an' when she came back she wanted me to carry shit upstairs. She knows I can't move or nuttin', and she's askin' that?! So I asked her if she was fuckin' kiddin' me and she got all snippy about it, sayin' I didn't hafta say it like that. Sayin' I shoulda said it a different way. I souldn'ta hadda say it ANY way 'cause you shouldn'ta asked in th' first place! Hello, stupid! And she says I don't pay attention. Kiss off.

Apparently th' Zombie from work died on Thurs. Ah well. Wonder what's gonna happen with his desk. Was a couple of plans thrown around, be interestin' to see which makes it.

Basically just sat an' wrote today. Was th' first really warm day which means many more are comin'. Gonna hafta get my A/C into my room soon.

NIGHTMARES REALIZED

Some people call it pessimism, but I call it a fine attunement to th' way things are.

I should've been clued-in to how th' day was gonna go when it started. Friday, got up and out just fine, even managed to take out th' trash. Trains and the Square were relatively light. But, I found myself havin' to go to th' bathroom. So, I waited fer a free stall and of course I hafta get th' one occupied by a bum. Nice smell left behind, and NOT from what you'd expect. So I take care of business only to find out there's almost NO toilet paper. I use what I have then relocate to th' other side of th' bathroom to find another stall and finish up.

Got on th' bus and we were on our way. Had th' whole back to myself until th' first stop in Jersey, which was nice. Even managed to doze a bit figurin' out I could accentuate my pillow with my Yankee shirt to keep my head from rappin' on th' window. However, I was woken up when th' bus kept shudderin' and discovered unfamiliar scenery. Fer some reason, maybe traffic, th' bus was cuttin' through Bergen County instead of usin' th' highway. If it was to avoid traffic, didn't do much good as we only moved a few yards a minute. Then took us 5 mins to get up a hill, which then caused th' engine to have a funky sound whenever th' gas was hit. Long story short, by th' time we got to Ramsey we were WAY behind schedule. Wifey was waitin' since 11:30, but didn't get there till 45 mins later. Dumb bus. Was a different driver than th' other times too, shoulda figgered.

So we went over to her car where I presented her with her surprise: 3 large bottles an' 4 small ones of th' Fiji water she fell in love with in Vegas. Promised her some th' last time but couldn't find none. Turned out to be moot anyways as she found a store that carries them by her, but I keep my word. I then proceeded to greet her with a hug an' smooch. Then came th' bad news; we weren't gonna do nuttin' we planned today. Someone from social services was comin' by th' house 'cause of some drama with her bro an' her ma was in no state to deal with 'em herself so she hadda be there to do it. Was no problem fer me. First we stopped at th' hotel to drop off my crap, then at Pizza Hut to get lunch fer everyone while we talked about our situation. As expected (by me, anyways), she didn't feel nuttin' from seein' me nor from our kiss. I knew it'd be our last...shoulda savored it more. Another thing to add to my list of regrets. I had tried our hand-holdin' while drivin' thing, but th' look on her face when I initiated it kinda made me not wanna try again. She hadn't initiated it after either, so I'm guessin' I read th' face right. Got our food an' headed up to her house.

Got a fairly warm greetin' despite her ma's state and was then filled in on all th' gory details. Were joined by th' rest of th' fam slowly but surely before we ate then retired to her room. We looked at th' book an' pics, talked a bit, and I tried several times to give her th' massage I promised her. But, interruptions kept comin'.

One interruption was to get a prescription filled fer her pops. While we waited, we decided to walk around town a bit an' check out this antique store down th' block. Not bad, a lotta old junk really more than antiques. I've seen better in this place called Memories near Liberty. We picked up th' prescription, headed back and into her room where I got her massage out. We did cuddle a bit, although not th' way I would have liked. Her pops went off to work so she'd hafta stay to do barn and so there we waited until it was time to do it. After her rub suggested maybe we should take that break based on her sayin' we should try again. Basically, we'll cut back all th' coupley stuff until th' next time to see what happens. She was sayin' she was tired as usual, so I told her to nap.

Got to see what it's like when she sleeps; parts of her jitter an' jerk before her head snaps up an' wakes her up. No wonder she can't sleep nights. Was cool to finally see it in person after hearin' about it. I decided to snooze too while we lay there cuddled, till her sis came up. Then we got into an animal show with her guinea pig family and her plans fer them. Cute things, though. She eventually took 'em back to her room to bring in their bro's mean hamster he bought fer his bday only to discover his cage was empty. Her sis began to tear her room apart to look fer it, not wantin' to tell her fam 'cause of an ordeal with a big rat a while ago. We listened as she made a mess, laughin'. We then got into a wrestlin' match with her sis as I tried to take a pic of wifey with my camera phone and she wasn't havin' none of it. Was fun, but her belly ring kept hurtin' when I grabbed her there. Eventually wifey got dragged into th' search, usin' th' flashlight I got on my keys now. I'm tellin' ya, was like listenin' to a comedy routine with both of them in there.

Eventually was time to barn but their ma was havin' a breakdown an' couldn't do nuttin'. I held back seein' as I was no longer in th' runnin' to be family and that's a family thing. But, as they were a couple people short now I borrowed a jacket an' joined them in th' barn. I wish I could say I was a big help, but they gave me th' li'l bullshit jobs like refillin' water an' transportin' feed. Don't think I was that big a help, coulda done more. Ah well. Did get to walk around with one of wifey's barn cats on my shoulder, which was fun. Sooooo cute.

With barn done we headed back to town to have dinner. I made a quick stop at th' hotel to clean up a bit as I was smellin' cat piss again and we went to th' diner we went to last time. Ate but hadda get movin' as she hadda work early th' next day. Gave her a hug an' a kiss and she was off. Me, my mind was racin' an' wasn't very tired, so walked around a bit to try an' find one of th' pool halls I looked up. Turned out to be a club so I nixed that one. Went back to my room to try an' grab some sleep, but wasn't comin' as my mind kept racin' over our predicament. Tried to explore th' hotel but wasn't much to do there. Also tried my hand at writin' out my blog entry early, but don't much like writin' by hand no more. So, went back to bed an' watched TV till I eventually passed out.

Woke up around 7:30 an' couldn't get back to sleep, so I watched TV an' wallowed in my misery. Yeah, I was a bit upset. I mean, here I am still in love with th' girl who doesn't love me back no more, after all. Fortunately, caught Spidey & His Amazing Friends before a crap episode of The Batman, and then a Spidey marathon I forgot about today. So, at least I was entertained till I showered to leave.

Now, lemme comment on my room fer a second here. I've stayed there twice but this was THE worst room they've given me. No closet door, toilet wouldn't flush right, messed up tub drain, buzzin' lights, A/C that took forever to work and dead batteries in th' TV remote. I hadda transplant my spare fer th' walkman in order to get it to function at least partially. Hell, th' bed was also way too soft in parts. But, th' shower...had a nice high pressure nozzel th' other rooms didn't. THAT I liked.

Called ma fer directions to a McDonald's so I could have lunch amongst my explorin' while waitin' fer wifey to get off work. Last night's walkin' got me a bit sore, so popped down to th' drug store fer powder after I checked out. Started back up fer th' McDonald's ma found but then another idea hit me. At this point I'm feelin' pretty worthless. Miserable, worthless, you name it I was feelin' it. So, I decided I need somethin' to give me a boost; to do somethin' nobody said I could. I decided to walk to wifey's job and surprise her. And that's just what I did; all 6 glorious miles. Stopped at th' McDonald's we ate at along th' way tryin' to kill time, but even then I still got to her store within 2 hours. Of course was in a bit of pain...thighs an' feet killin' me, but I did it. Tested my resolve, tested my endurance, did what nobody said I could do...I needed it to feel good.

Wandered around her store while I waited fer her to get off. Talked to D briefly from California, sounds like he was havin' a good time. She got out early since she went in early and we hit th' road. Popped off so she could have lunch even tho I already ate (only way I could ensure she'd eat) then headed to Toys R Us and th' Mall. Just 'cause our relationship's strained now don't mean we can't do all th' plans we had...excludin' marriage and stuff like that. Toys R Us was kinda disappointin' an' empty. Mall was cool, tho. Looked around a bit, checked out her favorite stores, learned about her favorite pretzels which she forced me to try in order to conclude that yes, I still hate pretzels.

As they took no time, we decided to go shoot some pool. Had a bit of difficulty findin' th' other place but we got there. Unfortunately wasn't gonna open fer 10 mins so we hung out in th' car an' talked a bit more. She told me she was tryin' to feel fer me again but it wasn't happenin'. I said I understood...and I did, but didn't help much as you can imagine. She said if it played out like it is, I could try to find someone better or one of her clones. Told her th' only problem with that logic is if I look fer girls like her all I'm gonna do is compare them to her and their gonna fail miserably 'cause as far as I'm concerned, she was th' best. Ya know THE one? Yeah, she was it. Thought I was hers too but guess not. Finally got in and got some pool goin'. She was damn good fer a first timer. Damn good. Only wish my mind coulda been on th' game, but was elsewhere. Here's this beautiful girl I'm crazy about but once again I can only look, not touch. Story of my life.

Headed to th' depot after a couple games and hung out fer a bit till my bus came. Said our goodbyes and that was that. I'm man enough to admit I bawled on th' bus. Took me to Monticello to get cried out. Yes, that was 2 hours right there...I was feelin' pretty damn lousy. Couldn't stop thinkin' about th' sitch and th' pain from my walk wasn't helpin' keep my mind offa it like I thought it would. Nah, that came once I got off th' bus in th' city after makin' another strange detour in Jersey.

Got back around 11:40, and bein' it was Saturday night th' Square was PACKED. I could barely move! Never again do I wanna do this, come back on Sat. Nightmare central. Then of course th' train took half an hour to come while th' Q came three times. I hadda stand fer half th' ride, which's about when my back an' hip started to hurt. Back started when we played pool...was from all th' soda I drank these two days and th' walkin'. Finally got a seat but hadda get off at 36 street as th' N, which was runnin' local, was gonna skip right to 9th avenue. Fortunately th' R shuttle came quick and even th' 68th street gate was open. Somethin' HAD to go right this weekend. And now here I am at home writin' this.

So, here's where we stand. We're doin' th' friends thing right now. Our relationship is on life support while we wait to see if it's just a phase she's goin' through, as she put it. Problem is she dunno what caused th' shift and I dunno what got her to me in th' first place in order to play on that. Maybe she outgrew me and th' ideas. Maybe I have been replaced, that it was that white knight syndrome, 'cause aside from her job th' only difference these days is I ain't had a need to help her as much as I'd met her to get over her depression or what have you. Who knows. All I know is I'm losin' th' last and best thing I have, and not knowin' why is th' worst part about it. We'll decide when to pull th' plug later on. Don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid...I know things're bleak and at best this is just a stay of execution, but right now I need th' glimmer of hope even if it is false. Leave me my delusions fer now 'cause they're what I got.

Other'n that, weekend was pretty decent. New wifey was prominent fer some parts, but when we managed to get some fun in old wifey came through, so that was a plus. Convo was a bit strained which could be attributed to we do all our talkin' OL and our physical meetings are fer just that: to get physical. But th' just friends thing...what makes her different from th' others is I actually got somewhere with her. I've developed a taste fer th' intimacy we've shared, but now am denied that so it's really hard. I mean, I can do th' friends thing 'cause I've done it (repeatedly), but s'gonna take time fer me to get fully into it, y'know? Gotta find a way to stop wantin' to grab an' kiss her every second I'm with her. Of course, I also realized I didn't feel that spark we had th' other times we were together. Yeah, it was totally gone.

I know I'll get over it one day...just no time soon. Fer now, I'll emmerse myself with work this summer to keep my mind off things (which's also hard 'cause she's on my mind 24/7), but I just need to find a way to get these images of our future together outta my head. I was really lookin' forward to all that. And th' thoughts I had about this very situation didn't do much to help cushion this blow...dammit. This' why I never plan ahead...'cause this shit happens. But, I dunno what else to do. I'm outta ideas.

I'll leave off with a song that pretty much describes my situation (with some liberties taken, of course). Was a song on one of my tapes I brought with me:

Spring Love-Stevie B. (Good song, should listen to it at least once)

I remember when we first started
You came to me and you were broken hearted
I took you in and wiped all your tears away
I gave you loving more than any other gave
Don't you know I'm the one and I love you girl
I don't care what they say you know you are my world
Come back home to the one
Who loves you more and more
Soon you'll see that it was me you were searchin for

Oh my love searching for
I really need you
I really want you baby
I need you and I want you baby
Spring love - come back to me
I gotta have you baby

I can remember the first time we ever met
The sun was shining
Love was gleaming in the air
You caught my eye and the next thing that I knew
I was in love - I was so in love with you
We were so close for a season of my life
I wanted so much to have you for my wife
But something changed
Season came to an end
I had to leave you
And thats where my heartache began

Spring Love come back to me
I need you and I want you baby
Spring love come back to me
I really need you
I gotta have you baby
Springtime love is on my mind and I won't forget
The way we shared the way we cared
And I don't regret itI don't regret it - come back to me darlin
Springtime love is on my mind
And I won't forget
Come back to me darlin
The way we shared the way we cared
I really need you my springtime lover

PLACE YER BETS

I didn't get to study fer history at all. Did it after work and on th' train and in class. That was it. Thought I got a pretty good handle on it, but of course, th' test proved me wrong. Hopefully I did good enough to pass. That's all I care about. Worry about my GPA once I get into my major classes.

On th' way, made a stop over in Times Square to get my bus tix from th' depot fer tomorrow. In case ya forgot, I'm goin' upstate to see if my wifey will still love me. Fun stuff. Pushed through a sea of people in th' street and then hadda wait on a line fer once. Lemme tell ya, it's a good thing I decided to bring extra money 'cause they raised th' fare $9. Yeesh! Didn't think I was gonna make it on time 'cause stupid people made me miss th' damn R and it was takin' a while fer it to come. And then when I got it, it went to a strange 49th street station instead of Rockefeller Center which got me worried I was misled as to what line it was. Fortunately, turns out they just skipped lines briefly. Good. Made it with plenty of time to spare.

After th' test, Katie an' Pablo met me in th' halls so we could head out fer a drink to celebrate it bein' over. Others joined and soon we were havin' a post-mortem fer th' test. After about an hour of waitin' fer them to finish BSin', we finally headed out with Angel in tow. Headed over to Dallas BBQ a few blocks away, which's funny considerin' I just read about it on Sandra's Myspace page. Weird.

They got their drinks, I got Coke (of course). We also ordered some wing appetizers. Lemme tell ya, th' size of these things! If THOSE were appetizers, I'd hate to see th' main courses. We all talked fer a bit and managed to somehow get into tomorrow's adventure. Finally havin' to call it a night after a second round, I tried to throw in my share of th' bill but Pablo wouldn't let me pay. Didn't have much time to argue, so I went with it. Probably pitty fer my plight. I also got their EM addys before 'cause they expressed intrest in my BBQ when it came up in convo. So if I decide to go fer it, I'll give them a jingle. Was fun, wouldn't mind doin' it again.

Got home and wifey was OL. We chatted while I finished up gettin' stuff ready to pack. Bringin' my Weird NY book and some old pics we found to show her. Also finally dug out a box th' right size to hold th' surprise I bought her on Tuesday (what is it? Find out next entry!). Seemed like she was passin' out so I let her go and made my final preps. I had also gone on a couple Binghmaton groups at work to find any local pool halls, which worked out great as I got four but only DLed directions to th' closer two.

So, place yer bets, folks...is she just missin' me or is it really over? Check back Sunday to find out which.

RECONNECTING

Today I did some Myspace browsing and decided to finally get around to addin' Steph, Kristen an' Sandra (from my store). Also found Mike and Jen. Nice way to build up my network, eh?

PISSED OVER PISS: THE FAREWELL

Big thing at th' office was watchin' th' newscast OL. Annette DLed it and we watched it. I took down th' address so I could post th' entry before this. I also sent it to wifey, Sis an' Tina. Work went as normal except Jim needed more labels printed 'cause th' city screwed up somewhere. Unfortunately, th' usual printer kept gettin' jammed and started cookin'. So we used th' office's main printer...kept gettin' jammed even though it wouldn't take th' paper. Finally, used my computer but I hadda press a button each time to get a page to print. Nuts I tells ya.

Oh, and I got pissed on again. That's right, my shorts from yesterday and a couple shirts on my chair were stinkin' like piss. Joined a cat Myspace group to see if they had any advice. Unfortunately, they kept tellin' me to take her to the vet. Ain't no medical problem, just TC (if it is her) bein' a vendictive li'l bitch who's gonna get slammed if she keeps it up.

Went fer a quick ride after throwin' my clothes in th' wash and took a shower before I hadda leave fer th' hangout. Got to th' city and had a bitch of a time findin' th' place. Sis' BF said it was Pizzaria Uno...unfortunately, th' P-word is conspicuously absent makin' th' place just Uno and easily missed. Ah well. Finally found it after explorin' th' hood and Sis came out to retrieve me and I finally met her BF. Th' last one, might I add. She tried to play it off by sayin' Tina only got two seconds, but still counted. I was first to arrive. Then came one of her friends Joseph. Then Tina (who gets a big yowsa from me!) an' Christina, followed by Mitza an' Nelson. Lotsa eatin' an' talkin', followed by a session of picture taking.

Night finally broke up around 11 and I was told I was gettin' a ride back with Tina. Alrighty...wasn't gonna argue. I mean, I was 'cause I was warm so I figgered my car sickness would spring up again. It did, but wasn't so bad. Said our goodbyes an' got in th' car with Christina an' Mitza. We talked on th' drive before droppin' off Christina, then me with Mitza fer last. Tina was gonna meet up with her other friends fer more all-night hangin' since th' bum don't gotta work, so that was that. Was pretty fun. Nice to see April's BF don't talk much in a big group niether, so I didn't feel too left out. Although once they got to talkin' about travel and a buncha other stuff, didn't have much to contribute considerin' most travel I do these days is to Binghamton. Ah wells.

Got home to see if wifey was on, but guess she decided to nap. Hopefully I'll see her before Thurs. At least now my Metrocard'll be even after I pop off fer my bus tix. And now I have a headache. Damn car sickness. Oh, an' my gma came home today. Good, she can take care of her own cats again.

NY1: THE INTERVIEW

Click the link below to see the NY1 interview done at my office. Real Player required.

http://real.ny1.com:8080/ramgen/real4/00172955_060522_195738hi.rm

From NY1.com:

May 22, 2006

As Brooklyn Week continues on NY1, we take a look at some folks who are finding the jobs they need with some help and support. Paul Messina explains in this Money Matters Report.
Most of us are the same; you probably have or hope to have a job that pays you what you need, and gives you some personal satisfaction. Just like Darlene Goodwin.

I worked at a cookie factory in Greenpoint, and then I worked at a sweater factory on McDonald Avenue, and then Toys R Us for a little while, and then here, she says.

Goodwin and her current employer, Lincoln Brokerage, were brought together by the Block Institute, a non-profit group that serves "developmentally delayed" children and adults.
We do bring individuals in that have the capabilities to hold a job in the community, and we offer them the support and training that they need to maintain a position, says Kenneth Anderson of the Block Institute.

For some, that means starting out on a mobile crew that cleans up parts of neighborhoods that have contracted for the service. Others begin in workshops where they learn new job skills.
Making pens, you know, assembling to make pens, and putting toys together, baseball cards, all that stuff, Darlene says. I became assistant supervisor eventually.

Darlene came to Lincoln Brokerage in Bay Ridge eight years ago as a utility person.
I do a little bit of everything, she says. I have a list over here that I have to remember, like I'll remember what to do every day - cleaning, mailing, I open the gates, I make coffee, etcetera.
Lincoln Brokerage used to hire high school students for this position. But Goodwin's boss says there are many benefits to hiring Darlene instead.

She's been here eight years. We haven't every few years had to hire someone different, says Maureen Fasano of Lincoln Brokerage. Why is Darlene here? Because she's an excellent worker. We don't find any need to replace her. She's part of the family.

The Block Institute also provides temporary job coaches.

They'll come in with someone that is newly hired and they'll assist them in the training and development for that position, says Anderson.

When you and I get our paychecks we might look first at how much was withheld in taxes. But when Darlene looks at her paycheck, I feel like a million bucks! That's what I feel like, she says.
It's just a win-win for all of us. So we just hope she stays forever, says Fasano.

Well, there's nothing like job security.

- Paul Messina

http://www.ny1.com/ny1/Living/personal_finance.jsp

FINAL 1

Was hopin' to study some at work, but of course I actually had work to do. Figgers. Had ma call pops 'fore I left and found out he does have some extra nuts, so I called D around 11-ish to tell him. But, his pops jumped th' gun and went and got himself a new nut. Ah well. So now he's gotta take it to a repair shop and have it looked at.

Went straight home an' studied a bit while makin' lunch, then went in back to study more. Finally came back out and studied at th' comp again before leavin'. Felt like I knew th' stuff so I was good. Studied more on th' train while resistin' fallin' asleep. Took th' test in a nice hour. Turned it in and got back my last quiz essay 'fore headin' fer th' train. I missed some stuff in my essays, but did good enough to pass I think.

On th' train was thinkin' some about my current situation. Dunno what I did, but was suddenly feeling very good. Let's hope that feelin' carries over to tomorrow night. Sis' BF EMed me with th' details last night and if I gotta deal with them bein' lovey gotta keep somewhat cool, right?

CALLING TRIPLE B

Well, finally got my study sheet done. Decided to go fer a bike ride before I settled down to study. Goddam, the wind! Always blowin' against me lately. From Bay 8 to 92nd, it's like I'm goin' up a hill covered in molasses. But soon as I get passed th' foot bridge th' wind's too my side and I can move at my normal speed. Definitely a workout!

Got home and fully intended to study...except I didn't. Well, maybe a little, but not as much as planned. See, I've recently discovered th' groups on Myspace so I've been postin' there non-stop. It's a bit harder at home than at work; IE won't access some pages and Netscape has difficulty fully loadin' 'em. But, I manage. Then we had History of the World Part 1 on AMC's DVD TV, so we watched that. I did study a bit between commercials, but again, not much. So I settled on goin' to bed early since it looked like wifey wasn't comin' on and studyin' 'fore I slept.

Yeah, not gonna happen. Remember what I said about nobody comin' to me fer help no more? Well, D called me at 1 AM to tell me his fam's car's alarm has been goin' off and won't stop. They had th' cops called on 'em and they asked fer my help 'cause they couldn't even find th' battery. So I looked up some info on how to cut an alarm (pops was in bed) and headed down there. Geniuses cut th' valet switch cord tryin' to disable it, so that was out. Next thing to try was disconnectin' th' battery. Didn't work too well either, so suggested leavin' it off till tomorrow then take it to get looked at. Of course D's pops lost th' nut somewhere in th' engine, and th' only car they got with a jack is in Staten Island. Typical. Tried to fish it out but settled on me askin' pops in th' mornin' if he has any spares.

Now to see if there's any time left to study. Oy, to be a hero...

TAKE ME BACK TO THE 20TH

I spent th' whole day workin' out my film final sheet and still ain't even close to done. Got a bike ride in, but that's about it. Also find myself extremely worried.

In less than 6 days, I stand th' strong possibility of losin' th' one I love. Not 'cause of somethin' I did, not fer another guy, but because she just lost interest. I'm tryin' not to dwell on it 'cause it'll just make me nuts.

Tonight we worked out what we'd do on Friday, which's pretty much narrowed down to lunch, Toys R Us, a massage fer her, a visit to her 'rents, a game of pool and races. Possibly dinner if we have time since she'll hafta go earlier than normal. Got to talkin' about about th' possible impendin' pain but I tried to blow it off with jokes. Still no laughs from her. She works early on Sat so we'd have 4 hours 'fore I'd hafta go together, but purposely left it ambiguous in case I needed to retreat home earlier. To try an' keep it lighter, I prattled on about plans we had together in th' event there's a chance we get to do 'em. Just wish I could have some kinda hint on how things're gonna go. Suspense these past months've been a killer.

Should things go south, said we'd try to stay friends but given my success in that department these days I dunno how well that'll work out. Also, dunno who I'd turn to in that event. My support system is pretty much shot to hell. Sis'll be in Italy, D in Cali an' Tina'll most likely be doin' her usual Saturday stuff. Barely seen her OL since th' last time I tried to ask her out fer a hangout. But ah well, guess I'll just hafta deal on my own as usual. People are usually around fer my little shit, very rarely fer my major holy shit.

Called D to find out if we're goin' to see Over the Hedge tomorrow. Musta been out with friends 'cause it was noisy as hell. And of course, he forget. Let's see if he shows up at least. Tuesday got that thing fer sis if her BF ever sends me info. Thurs might have that outing with my classmates if it wasn't just hot air. Really ain't expectin' nuttin' but I ain't gonna complain. And then...Friday.

Comin' from me, ya know this' big, but...I don't wanna be single again. I want a reason to go upstate. I want her world to know what I really am to her. I want our Halloween wedding. I want our annual honeymoon around th' world. I wanna go through our list. I want to kiss her as we pass in th' kitchen of her family's house as we set up fer Xmas dinner. I want our turkey coldcut sandwiches fer Thanksgiving. I want to kiss her on New Years as we chow down on White Castle. I want her to sit on my lap in our recliner as we watch TV. I wanna wake up to see her face every morning until I go blind or die. I want someone who understands th' lingo we've developed. I want our pool table, retro juke box, grandfather clock and everythin' else we talked about. Yes, I even want her family to be my family.

But I know, I can't get everythin' I want. If I could, my store would still be open and I'd still have th' illusion of a lotta friends. Where's a time machine when ya need it?

NY1

NY1 came by th' office as planned today. First they got a tour of th' place and then set up to do their interviews. They interviewed th' program head (fer an organization I now know is called Block) at th' conference talbe right behind me. Then they went in back to th' break room table to interview Darlene, then did various shots of her performin' her usual tasks like cleanin', stuffin' and copyin'. (As I was workin' didn't see how the set-up was, but since I'm right next to th' copier good chance my arm was in th' shot). They followed up with some various shots of th' office before packin' up. They did film th' pit area, but think I left before th' cam went on. Ah wells, not like anyone I know watches that station. Hell, I only do when I missed th' weather on th' Weather Channel. But if anyone's interest, spot's supposed to air on Tuesday and then will be up on their website.

Came home an' settled in fer a nap after BSin' around a bit. Got woken up an hour later by ma, tho. People called to say they were deliverin' th' propane she ordered and I hadda be ready to deal with them and bring 'em up. Of course, they didn't show up fer an hour and I was feelin' like crap from bein' so rudely awaken. Handled it, came back up and went to sleep. Sis came on before I originally did, but she disappeared soon after to which I found out in an EM later her BF took over th' comp and she did errands an' forgot about me. Ah well.

I decided to stay over in Binghamton next weekend. Way I figger it, not only will we get 4 more hours on Fri, but should she have th' time to see me on Sat we can take it. If not, I can always explore before goin' home. Was a debate over which hotel I should go fer, tho. Ma said I should go closer with Best Western and I was crazy to try fer th' Econo Lodge. Thing is, should wifey not be able to drive me, I'd hafta walk. Mapquest puts th' distance at bit over 2 miles but I argued th' path I plotted would be shorter. To settle it, found a site called mapmyrun.com which lets ya plot a path and gives ya distance based on it. I was right, saved a bit but not a lot. So I went with Best Western solely on th' fact by then I'll have my new shoes on and it'd hurt a bit. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that, right? My sneakers were on their last legs so I ordered some more. Wanted to try to get away from Converse this time fer somethin' a bit stronger, but didn't work out so I got yet another pair. Ah wells. Of course I had fun with that plottin' site after alla this, seein' how far my path to school was and my usual run on th' bike path (combined 9 miles both ways!).

WHAT A DAY

Had a bit of a debacle with ma's check. Forgot to take it yesterday, but turns out wasn't even there to take. So nobody knew what was up an' looks like we gotta wait fer Maureen to come in tomorrow to get it. Speakin' of which, a memo was passed around to have our work areas look nice an' tidy 'cause apparently NY1's comin'. See, Darlene works there 'cause o' some kinda program so guess NY1's doin' it as some kinda human interest story. No clue on specifics.

Hadda give Jim somethin' fer their news letter only to have him fax out somethin' in there he wasn't s'posed to yet. Ma caught it an' I hadda come back to re-fax things. Blah. Can't wait till she's gone again. Wanted to go bikin' but th' threat of and eventual rain squashed that. Ah well, always tomorrow.

I'm actually a li'l excited right now. Asked wifey 'bout Friday and it's a go right now. I love th' anxiety I get when I know a trip to see her is pendin'. A whole week...I can't friggin' wait. Wish I could be up there more than a day...if only we could know her damn weekend schedule. I'll hafta get my tix when I go fer my final Thurs.

I've also taken to recordin' Spider-Man & His Amazing Friends from Toon Disney. Figger may as well before they stop showin' 'em again. No tellin' when it'd get th' DVD treatment.

SCHOOL'S OUT!

Last day! Yes! Class was runnin' a bit long 'cause th' comp took a dump, but I left at 8 regardless. Saw th' movie they were showin' anyways so didn't matter.

Way home I was goin' over in my head how to finish up my talk with wifey. 'Course when th' time came I frigged it all up to hell, but hey, that's me. Instead of accurately pleadin' my case (I feel), I ended up guiltin' her into givin' up th' tatt. Yeah, I got what I wanted but not exactly th' way I wanted to do it. Ah well. 3 perfect years, fittin' our 4th has all th' troubles. If we can come offa alla this intact, I'll feel very confident about our future. Of course always a chance this could have in fact soiled any chance we woulda had, but again, that's me.

Thing is, she's got this list of body work she wants done and so far has gotten everythin' she can and I've either had to be a spectator or just deal with it. Meanwhile, I have my own list of things I want and so far haven't gotten any of them which was th' argument I was tryin' to articulately make. We're supposed to be partners but that ain't been comin' through. If th' situation was reversed I know I'd give th' kinda consideration I been askin' fer. Hell, more'n likely I wouldn't go through with it 'cause that's just how I am. And yeah, I want her to be happy but a line's gotta be drawn somewhere, ya know? She knows how I am, I know how she is, and concessions hafta be made somewhere in th' middle. That's how a relationship works; you give up a little bit of yourself for each other.

I'm considerin' takin' a day trip Fri when she's off. Yeah, we'll only have 8 hours instead of our usual 17, but ya know I need to see her. I also need to know if there's any spark left. I mean, I'm still crazy 'bout her but if she's not...yeah, pretty much screwed. But, I'm ready fer it should it go down like that. Hopin' not but I don't have th' most stellar of luck to instill a lotta confidence. See what she thinks about th' idea next I see her.

Bit of a bittersweet day. Hey, I never said I wasn't a screw-up. Anybody who says otherwise lied.

Also, D found a place about a block away from my job. Gonna move on th' 3rd when he gets back from California...a trip he never told me about but assumes he did. Some conference. Guess I shoulda worked in a Doc's office...wifey gets to go to Vegas, D to CA... Perks, I tells ya. Only bad part is he leaves when we're sposed to go see X3 so that's screwed now. Gonna help him move when he gets back.

ONE DAY LEFT

Had wifey call me to verify her sched to see if I can make a trip this weekend (which I can't), and after much debating decided to tell her we need to talk. She surprised me in th' afternoon before I hadda leave by comin' OL, so we talked. Didn't get to everythin' but made my feelings known on this whole tatt issue. Tryin' to convey we're sposed to be partners but feel like I'm gettin' bypassed simply 'cause our views on things like this differ. Which's why there's compromise, right? It's all give and take, and so far I been doin' a good chunka th' givin'. Hopefully this will be productive. Didn't get to finish up tonight either 'cause she obviously had to sack out, but there's always tomorrow.

Was th' last day of history an' WS. Yay! Turns out my final's on Thurs instead Tues, so told Sis I can go to her party thing. At least I'll get to see her an' Tina twice this year. Will there be a third? Was also invited out drinkin' after th' final (I'll have a water, of course) but if it was real or just clownin', gonna hafta find out come Thurs.

WS seemed to drag on an' on. Worst part was, bitch was bullshittin' to fill th' goddam time! It was th' last class! We have no final! Let us freakin' go! We got out 10 mins early, big freakin' whoop. Me an' Betsy got to talkin' an' she proposed th' two of us hangin' out and explorin' th' city, seeing as she ain't done much of it an' her BF ain't too big on places she wants to go. So I said sure. Walkin' around town's always been a great workout fer me...compliment my summer bike rides nicely. Gonna run it by wifey to make sure she'd be alright with it. Ya know, I know she ain't th' jealous type (not that she has a reason to be...I mean, c'mon, who else would want me?) but I rather not assume. Goes back into that whole partnership thing.

One more class, two finals, then School's Out BIOTCH!

TATTOO YOU

So wifey wants a tatt now, and as you can imagine I ain't none too happy about it. Fer one thing, I hate them. Dumb stupid fad with no purpose. Second, she informed me she was only humorin' me when she said she never wanted one a couple years ago. And third, when she promised me she wouldn't be gettin' one any time soon ON MY BDAY, of all days, seemed to have been completely forgotten. Yeah, not happy. She wants it on her back between her shoulders fer th' thrill of gettin' it. Now, here's th' thing...she'll NEVER see it. Ever. Once she gets it, it'll be there...won't be felt, won't be seen and it'll be covered about 90% of th' time. Th' only person who'll see it is most likely me, and I don't want to look at it. When I see her back I want to see flesh, not a stupid thing that don't belong there. Plus, I supposedly own half of her body via a prior agreement with us which would imply I get some say in these matters, but that seems to've been forgotten as well.

All I know is this night has opened a whole can of worms of things we need to talk about. Just hope I can keep it civil enough to make my points and avoid a senseless argument. And hope we can reach some kinda compromise, 'cause now she also wants piercings she said she never wanted either. I swear, she's tryin' to kill me.

THE PHANTOM MENACE

There's a beeping in th' house. It's happened before, this beep. Lasted fer a few hours one weekend then finally shut off. Today, it's been goin' all day. Sporradic pattern, but highly annoying. Tried to track it down, but couldn't get a decent bead on it. 'Rents haven't even heard till late in th' day. At least I wasn't goin' nuts.

LATE TO THE PARTY

Ya know, I'm always way behind. Back in th' day, AIM was th' hot thing to have. Everyone had it except me, 'cause I had an in-provider one. I finally got AIM when it shut down right when people decided to get lives an' stop comin' on.
More recent example, I took my desk job so I could get weekends free since everyone wanted to hang on them, as well as to have them free fer my wife and pad my resume. And of course, we all know THAT hasn't worked out much either.

So here I sit. Bored.

Ma had her procedure done today. Dunno what it was about so don't ask. Got a call from pops as I was headin' home on th' bike to help bring her up, but they were up by th' time I got here. Ah well. Well, I lost th' couch and my privacy fer another time again. That's right, I get no alone time in my house fer days. Weeks. A month? Crap.

Wifey came on a bit before I headed out. She pulled a Tina, though...sayin' BRB an' never comin' back. Or maybe I left 'fore she did, but either way. Two more weeks. Hopefully she's got days off as soon as school's over 'cause I'm comin' up first chance I get. This is nuts. It's gonna be 7 months, her feelings are fading, and I wanna chance to fight fer us. Am I expectin' good results? Anyone who knows me knows th' answer. Anyways, turns out I coulda waited fer her longer. See, was gettin' late and I wanted th' daylight 'cause it rained an' th' path was bound to be flooded again...so I'd've liked to seen it BEFORE I was shin deep. Turns out they closed off that section of th' path an' reopened what they finished. Ah well.

Speakin' of school, Sis wants to organize one hangout 'fore she heads off. Been EMin' me, Tina an' her friend Christina an' we been doin' group replies. Her BF wants to do one big thing on th' 23rd, but I got finals that day so I'm out (as usual) but still got th' smaller weekend thing once everyone figgers out their schedule.

IT'S NEVER EASY

Hadda register today, and of course right when my time came up damn system decided to become crappy slow. Figgers. I was able to get two classes but th' third they wouldn't let me 'cause of th' prereq needed. Now, I'm pretty sure I'm takin' said class now in which case I should be able to at least SCHEDULE it fer now, so I'll hafta check to make sure I didn't misread somewhere. Ended up arrivin' a bit late fer school 'cause of this crap. Ah well.

Finished my comic list tonight. My count wound up at 9444. Good, right? Wrong. 'Cause my actual list was just short of 9700. I double checked by addin' up all my subtotals only to get over 9200! So, opened a new file, copy an' pasted all th' issues fer each letter, deleted th' extra stuff an' ran a count that way. Updated all my horribly off subs and added them fer a new grand total of 9484. Now I'm pissed 'cause not only am I 200 farther from my 10,000 goal, but now I hafta go through th' lists and find th' 40 (36, actually...4 I moved and didn't list) comics missin' from my other list. It's never easy.

TOUGH BITCH

One of th' reasons I love my wife? She can kick ass. Apparently a customer got fresh so she decked him. Caught on camera so she walked away with just a lecture, but still! She ain't no damsel in distress, and as much as I like playin' hero I know she don't need that from me an' it's great. Dunno how to explain it.

Got my comics. Dudes didn't get their shipment last week fer some reason an' hadda get their stock from th' other store. Two titles were missin' they were s'posed to have ready fer me, but of course they didn't. See if there's better luck next week.

PILED UP

What a bitch! In film class instead of givin' us a traditional quiz, th' jerkoff decided to give us an essay to do about stereotypes. WTF, man?! Now I got two essays to write over th' weekend! I HATE school!

PROJECT & PLANS

Worked on my film project today. My easy project suddenly became very difficult when I realized I didn't know how to write th' damn thing. Was I supposed to do it list form? In paragraphs? I opted fer th' latter, but hopefully I'm doin' it right. Not that it matters; got good grades on th' two tests, so as long as I pass th' final I can screw this up an' still pass with a B...which's all I need. No reason to be an overachiever. Gotta finish it up tomorrow.

Gonna be 4 days since I talked to wifey last. She was on, but conked out as usual again. Dumb me hadda be responsible an' tell her to get to bed when she's tired. Blah. So I basically had no one to talk to all day 'cept fer that girl in Queens.

D came on briefly, but that was disappointin' 'cause he ain't inclined to go with me to another comic show. Ah wells. Maybe if Tommy's sitch improves I'll get him to go. If not, not like I haven't gone alone before. Hell, that's what I do. It's what I'm good at, apparently.

VISITS & BBQs

Passed by my shop today under th' ruse of needin' bags an' boards so I could get th' Free Comic Day stuff without guilt. Heh well, I needed them anyways so no big.
Went to th' store to drop off Craig's comics an' was surprised to actually find Craig there! He was workin' last weekend (Tommy called) but I couldn't deliver since I didn't have th' boards fer his comics. Didn't want 'em gettin' wrecked on th' way. Well, he got his comics, I got paid, but still don't have further money so gotta keep footin' th' bill till he gives me extra again. Ah wells.

With D now workin' full-time an' lookin' fer a place, an' my other two friends possibly gonna be outta th' country fer summer was plannin' on chillen with Tommy more to make up th' difference. And of course, shit happens in his own life which makes that an immediate impossibility. Ah wells.

Th' possibility of a BBQ was brought up, so I told them that if they want one they can bring th' food to my place an' I'll cook it. Not doin' it no more, can't afford it an' people not show up. I mean, seriously, if people don't show up fer free food there's not much else you can do. Besides, most of my guest list now either works or won't be around anyways, so there's no point in tryin'.

PAINS OF ALL KIND

Ma's gonna be stayin' home on Fridays now, and of course when I got home she was takin' up th' computer. Dammit. S'gonna cause problems, I know it.

Did some work before hittin' th' bike path. Got home an' worked on scannin' in comics fer my site. That way, all I hafta to is upload an' build th' pages...seein' as I'm gonna be updatin' my site fer th' next 3 years or so. Hey, them UK guys made over 200 comics!

I had a scene all picked out from It's A Wonderful Life fer my project, but they don't want nuttin' over 3 minutes an' mine runs almost 5. Frig. So I watched a few choice scened an' I have my pick (though not many, most of th' damn scenes run long!). Although, prof did say we could do a scene up to th' 3 min mark if we so desired, so I might do that. Not only is th' one I wanna do simple, but it's a good scene to show just what kinda guy George is. Of course I refer to his final convo with his pops.

I'm havin' some problems. Physical. When I lean on my elbow lately it ends up feelin' like it's sprained. Sometimes, my wrist acts up like IT'S sprained. Last night, I tried to carry Stitch while she was lyin' down an' my OTHER wrist felt like it was gonna give out. At least I know my knees hurt from constantly jumpin' around, but dunno what t'hell's wrong with my arms. Looked it up a bit an' it could be related to my workin' on th' computer a lot. Recommends cuttin' back as much as possible. Well, that's all well an' good except fer th' fact I'm a writer. Well, they say ya suffer fer yer art.

I can pretty much predict it; I'm gonna be a feeble arthritic old man who can barely move. At which point I'll have wifey (if she ends up my wife after all this) kill me off so I don't become one of them useless old people. I ain't spendin' my golden years poppin' pills an' usin' a walker. Screw that.

BEST LAID PLANS

Feelin' tired today I decided to skip school. What th' hell, not like nuttin' important was goin' on I needed to be there. Plan was I'd eat, bike, then nap until Smallville. Well, ya know what they say about plans...

After I ate, hadda wait to go to th' bathroom, which left me out bikin' kinda late. So th' nap was out. Bike's got some gear troubles now, apparently. Shiftin' to high 3 th' chain comes right off th' flywheel. Hit a bump goin' full-speed, an' my chain flew off an' gears got screwed. T'hell? After only a year it's gonna give me th' grief it took my other bike 10 years to give? Granted, I never used to shift my other bikes...they were always on one gear. Dunno how I used to manage that...

So I decided to get some work done on th' comp, then Smallville came on. Awesome ep. Talked to my friend an' wifey fer a bit (until she fell asleep on me) now gonna hit th' sack early. Hey, I stayed home fer a reason, after all.

EDIT PLEASE

Today they had a film editor come in to talk in class. Was alright, nuttin' special. Showed us a short movie he worked on. Most POINTLESS piece of crap EVER. About four guys playin' b-ball an' how nobody loves th' game more than one of them. Game, then a pointless convo follows. RE-TAR-DED. Then there was another small-budget movie he worked on where this chick hadda decide if she was gonna stay with her now zombie husband. That's right...her husband became a zombie. It was a gory love story.

Soon as it got close to 8 I booked outta there.

I really don't care to hear about things like this. I'm a hands-on kinda guy. I learn by doin', not by listenin' to someone yammer on. Sometimes I wish I could edit my days down so as soon as I get into class I'm leavin' again...

Th' Alpine sale was finalized yesterday. Was in th' Daily News today too. They're keepin' it a theater but addin' a stage fer live shows. Rumblings are it'll be a two-screen but also that they might keep it 7. So, who knows. All I wanna know is if I'm gonna need $5 to see X3 this month, or $10.50?

IMMIGRATION

Today immigrants all decided to protest th' new sanctions th' government's talkin' about on illegal immigration. They got some balls, don't they? They sneak in, work illegally, and because their free-ride's over they think they have a right to protest. Guess what? You ain't citizens, you HAVE no right to protest. At least not in this country.

Don't get me wrong, I got no problem with people wantin' to work fer a livin' or find a better life, my problem lies with people doin' it illegally. Last I checked it was far too easy to become a citizen here. Maybe they should save up some of that money and become citizens so they can pay taxes like th' rest of us an' show us they TRULY belong here. Got plenty of immigrants who go through th' system; th' rest of these mopes ain't special nor above it.